Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Day 8 on Lexapro.

9:54pm

Today my heart hurts. Emotionally and physically. Shards of something I thought was real pierce my bare feet, and I bleed. I thought I was more calloused than that. I thought I was tougher. I thought I could withstand this kind of pain and keep moving forward. Damn heart. Sensitive and stupid. I’d have it removed if I could. I lower to the ground, bending my knees. I am tired. My body is weary and it aches severely. I place my hand on the ground to balance my weight. I keep my eyes forward in an attempt to avoid the severed shards lying at my feet. But they are too bright. They blind me, sometimes even when my eyes are closed.

Today was better than yesterday. I woke at 5am but was able to drift in and out of sleep until I had to get up at 8:30. I believe during this time I slept more than I laid awake, and as a result, most of the disturbing thoughts that continually infest my mind were mercifully kept at bay.

Much like the days that have come before, I was already in the midst of a constant panic attack when I woke. I knew I would have to leave the house – to go to work. I knew I would have to shower – as I hadn’t in a while. I don’t know why the thought bothered me so much, but it took every ounce of energy I had to disrobe and stand beneath that steady stream of water. Maybe it is because I can’t stand feeling so vulnerable when I’m already hurting so much. I just know that when I’m like this, I like to be as covered up as possible. Heavy clothing. Blankets. Shades down and battens hatched.

Please allow me to hide while I am undergoing maintenance.

Outside, the world beyond my walls and my window greeted me with tremendous claps of thunder, which I welcomed heartily. I love rain. I love thunder. I love inclement weather of almost all kinds. Perhaps it is born of an incessant need for things to be different every now and again, but the claps of thunder made me feel a little better about the day. And feeling a little better about the day is what gave me the strength and courage I needed to leave the house once again.

Alone. And afraid. But moving in a forward direction.

And again, I went to work and stayed for five hours. And it was easier than it was yesterday. Yes, the panic attack lasted all day again. Yes, it made me very, very tired. But I feel like I’m getting better – a little better every day. And it makes a marked difference in how I am able to cope. Today, I still felt the need to throw up before I took my medication. And I gave in to the urge…but not fully. Nothing really came up. My muscles convulsed in my abdomen…and I think loosened them as a result…and that made me feel better. Maybe tomorrow my stomach won’t hurt at all.