Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Day 9 on Lexapro.

written 2 days later.

Rain hypnotizes me and makes me feel like magic.

This was the first day I woke and did not find myself in the midst of a constant panic attack. It was both amazing and foreign at the same time. What is more, I had almost slept straight through the night without waking. It had only been a little over a week since I started the med. What a difference. What a relief.

When I was flailing in the wrap of incessant pain, I felt like it would never get better…like the mean thoughts that attacked my brain would never relent. But, in a tiny way, on this day, I could feel them lifting. Outside, it was raining. In my head, the clouds were thinning. If only a little. At this point, a little was big.

The first thought I had as I lay beneath the covers was that I was almost in a good mood. Almost.

When it was time to crawl out of bed, like so many days before, I again felt the sudden sickness to my stomach and gave in to the urge. Nothing came up. I took my Lexapro and headed out the door.

At work, I was still very tired. I spent the obligatory five hours drifting in and out of semi-consciousness…alternately attending to my responsibilities and taking the time to stare out the window at the rain mercilessly pounding the concrete below. Rain gives me so much energy. It makes me feel amazing.

I had gone all day without a panic attack. A victory indeed.

Then I went home.

And I tried to be careful. I tried to remember to rest, to be kind to myself…and avoid all things upsetting. It’s so easy when I start feeling better to be less cautious…which automatically introduces the possibility of becoming upset by some odd trigger again and landing me right back in the soup where I started…or…almost where I started, but not quite.

That night, before I was ready, I came face to face with a trigger that ate away at my heart…and my mind…and my soul. And it crushed me to the floor.

Before I had the chance to fully stand up again, I was on my knees once more.

And on the day I had survived without a single panic attack, the evening ended with an episode so massive it ruined my sleep the whole night through.