Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Day 22 on Lexapro.

Midnight

This morning I woke at 5am, the frenetic energy still coursing through my veins. I had expected a crash. Instead, my thoughts raced violently. I could almost feel the systems in my body working overtime. My physical being tingled in an electric way.

Please, please, let me go back to sleep, I prayed.

But no, I was awake. I pulled the covers up over my head and pressed my hand to my chest. I rubbed my heart methodically. I wanted it to slow down so I could go back to sleep. Without realizing it, my legs began to shake. I tried to keep them still. I tried to get my body back to a calm place. I just wanted to rest for one or two hours more. This, I realized, was different than a panic attack. I did not feel the clenching in my chest or the inability to breathe or any sense of blinding dread. What I felt instead was what had once been wonderful, exciting energy that had overstayed its welcome. It had exhausted my senses and still danced about, begging for more.

So, this is mania, I thought.

I closed my eyes. The minutes were passing too quickly. Manic energy can quickly transform into anger or frustration or any wealth of things you don’t want. As I lay there, I experienced them all.

Dear God, I prayed, give me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I prayed this prayer as many times as I could, back to back, trying to keep the bad thoughts out of my brain. Then, I tried to clear my head completely. None of it worked. With the mania escalating out of control, I only grew more frantic as the light began to flood through my porous bedroom window.

Finally, I gave up and got up to take a shower. My body was exhausted. My legs felt wobbly, like they might give out from under me, but I could still feel the tingling energy dancing inside them. What a joke, I thought. That energy is doing them no good.

I thought of one hundred ways to get out of going to work this morning.

But, I went anyway.

And it wasn’t an easy day. It wasn’t horribly difficult either. I made it through. When I got home, because Em was at her grandma’s for the evening, I took a Tylenol PM (in an effort to slow my racing systems) and took a nap. I slept for a good long time. Then I got up and sat. I didn’t want to make the same mistake I made last night, when I misused the phantom energy and got myself even more worked up. I must admit, though, it’s difficult not to give in to the urge of racing crazily about when you feel like this. It just doesn’t help anything when you do.

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To me, mania feels like you start off running wildly down the street. The energy you have is endless and unavoidable. You are running not because you want to, but because you have to. You have no choice in the matter. The raging energy within you pulls you along. And at first, it’s fun. Eventually, though, you get tired. Your body starts to slow…but inside, you are still running as quickly and frenetically as you were when you started. Then, you become confused because the two don’t add up. What you are beginning to experience doesn’t make any sense. Your mind, in a way, starts to skip until finally, your body flies headfirst into the ground and you lay there, miserable and broken. There is gravel in your knees and your head is bruised and bloody. Your limbs are heavy and you can’t lift them to save your life.

But inside, you are still running…running…running…just as wildly and quickly as you were when you started…even as your body lies motionless on the street. Of course, then, you can’t think anymore. Your thoughts have canceled each other out by multiplying in too great of numbers.

Yes. That is what mania is like to me.

This week I am supposed to start Lamactil to treat my mania. I will see if I can get an appointment with the doctor in the next couple of days. In my estimation, things have been going very well with the Lexapro, which was prescribed to help with the depressive symptoms. However, now that the depression is lifting, it seems to have made the mania a bit more obvious. It makes me wonder if the presence of depression, even in small amounts, was helping to even out the other side. It has been a very long time since I’ve had an isolated episode of mania that was this severe. I hope now that it is drawing to a close…and I also hope that, when I do begin taking the Lamactil, it kicks in quickly.

**Thank you again to one of my lovely sopranos for providing me with this delicious meatloaf meal today!! It is unbelievably appreciated! And the black-eyed peas were pretty fantastic, too!