Oh, how our brains fight to ensure things make sense!

Do we not say our hearts break because sometimes we literally feel as though they are breaking? Do we not say we are crushed because sometimes we literally feel a crushing ache within us? Do we not say we are high because we are so elated, we feel as though we could fly from the ground?

So many emotions have physical reactions that accompany them. Love, excitement, anger, sadness, fear. The list goes on.

So, at the very start, when the bipolar kicks in…and the chemicals don’t react accordingly…it’s physical. This is scientifically proven. This cannot be denied. But, I don’t think the problem goes directly from the misaligning of chemicals to the onset of confused thinking. Instead, I think the chemical imbalance instigates what we commonly recognize as emotionally-inspired physical reactions. But without the initial catalyst. For instance, in a manic high, one might experience all of the same euphoric emotions they feel when falling in love. Even if they’re not falling in love. Even if there’s nobody around to fall in love with. But, one has to make sense of it. So, they pin it on someone standing before them. Preferably someone who said they are pretty. Or handsome. Now, the soaring euphoria makes sense. You love this person. (Because I am a person with a naturally gaping heart, this is how my mania often manifests.)

I’ve known other bipolars who manifest their mania in anger. I have even experienced this on some level myself. Because of the insane coursing energy mania produces, anger is a natural byproduct. Their body is producing all of the same physical reactions it would if they had actually become infuriated for a reason. But usually, this is not the case. Nonetheless, the mind has to make sense of it. So, in the same way the manic lover spins madly and blindly pins their love on a tailless donkey, the angry manic finds things around them on which to pin their anger.

Finding objects on which to pin love and anger is all too simple, and that is where the danger lies.

We have all been around people who fly off the handle at any given thing. We have all been around people who seem like they’re looking for a reason to be angry. And we think, their anger doesn’t make sense. Their rationalizations are disconnected. And these are the people who always come back and sorely apologize when they’re through. And you believe them. And then, they do it again. It makes sense, though, as these people are feeling rage without any real reason. Because, at the heart of the matter, it’s a physical affliction. It starts off physically. Plain and flat. The mental and emotional duress is inspired when your body is feeling all of these recognizable feelings, but without any sort of concrete inspiration. So, our minds bend to make sense of it. Because I think, ultimately, it is important for us to make sense of things, even when they don’t. There is a deep, underlying need for things to make sense.

And again, sometimes it starts off so innocuously and subtly that you don’t think it’s a problem. For instance, I always believe I am in love. Even though, looking back now, I can remember feeling the euphoria before I pinned. And love feels good, so you want to follow it where it leads. You want to stand dramatically on the gravel road, barefoot and crying, screaming as his pick-up screeches away, leaving you in the dust. You want to chase him, even as the rocks grind into the soles of your feet, until you throw yourself on the ground and lie scratched and bleeding, your agitated body left heaving with pain and euphoric delight. That’s what manic love is like for me. It’s very dramatic. But it’s also very empty. It’s empty because nobody else is ever really involved. Yes, I always have an object of my affections. And yes, I often do like them very much. Sometimes, I even develop real love for them in the process. But, it is always the case that I pin it on men who, for one very good reason or other, just can’t get involved. And I think I know this is the way it has to be, so I choose accordingly. I think I subconsciously realize that a real relationship is not what I’m looking for. And, honestly, I never consciously realize I’m doing it at the time. It is so hard to separate manic love from just plain honest-to-goodness love. At first. But, the physical mania, left untreated, will continue to escalate. And then it gets sticky. And begins to feel uncomfortable. Eventually, the original euphoria that left you feeling giggly and smitten twists into feelings of desperation and insecurity. And the more the physical symptoms/feelings escalate, the less enjoyable they become. You become nervous, frazzled…you have that feeling of emptiness. And, naturally, you attribute it to the object you’ve pinned it on. Because that’s what makes sense. But of course, it doesn’t.

And it’s similar for the ragers. I think it must be exceedingly difficult for them as well. Because it’s so easy to justify anger. They feel mad energy rushing through them, and at any of time of the day they can easily find something or someone to pin it on. So quickly, in fact, that they may not ever even separate the idea that they’re having these feelings without concrete inspiration first. To those of us who surround them, it is easier to see.

And the same is true with any of these physical feelings that are emotionally inspired…the fear, the anxiety, the sadness. You can feel the physical ramifications of all of these without first confronting any logical reasons to feel them. And I’m sure many people realize this is what depression really is. You can feel mind-numbingly miserable for no good reason. Sure, there is situational depression — and depression onset by sad events, but it can also rise out of nowhere and leave you feeling irrepressibly melancholy without explanation. And it is at these times I believe, in our struggle to understand nonsensical physical reactions, our minds become confused.