Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Day 23 on Lexapro.

written two days later.

“Reunited and it feels so good/Reunited ’cause we understood/There’s one perfect fit/And sugar, this one is it/We both are so excited/’Cause we’re reunited, hey, hey” — Peaches and Herb

This day I woke to a low buzz of steady energy vibrating throughout my body. I was thoroughly exhausted but felt as though I was receiving a slight electric shock everywhere. I was miserable. I needed this to be gone.

I was getting to the point where I couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. My physical being was worn down. My mind was becoming confused. I couldn’t connect thoughts. And I hurt.

A constant sting needled my heart and tightness pulled at my chest. My entire body ached. I felt frenzied and agitated. I was needlessly nervous.

Again, I woke too early so I logged in. E. Liz was online. When I explained to her the progression of my mania that day, she gently reminded me it was time to go to the doctor. She was right. This is actually the time the doctor had asked me to come back and start my mania medication.

So, when I got to work, I called to make an appointment. At work, I was tense and agitated. I naturally became more intensely exhausted. I also became frustrated when I learned that Em would have to go to the doctor’s office with me. I was on edge. My sensory intake was on overload. I had hoped to just go to the doctor alone so I could collect my medication and go home. Then, I could get Em and we could spend a nice, quiet evening together. But, no. She was coming along.

At the doctor’s office, I was a wreck. Poor Em was frustrated that this doctor didn’t have any toys for kids. I was frustrated, period. She was, on the whole, very well behaved but the wait was long. And I was losing steam fast.

When the doctor came in, he commented that I looked extremely exhausted. Because I am, I told him. He put his hand on my arm and furrowed his brow. I truly appreciated his concern. I explained to him that I was having chest pains and that I had been in a manic seize for three days. We then discussed starting the mania medication.

Fortunately, he prescribed Lamactil – a medication with which I am familiar. I have taken it before. Honestly, I love it. I love it because it worked so well for me. When I was diagnosed as bipolar, I had already been on medication for major depression for two years. When I had my initial breakdown and was hospitalized, that is the diagnosis they gave me. Major depression with bouts of dysthymia. Well, they were almost right. Except the dysthymia was really mania. I guess the mistake was made because I was so severely depressed at the time of my initial diagnosis. There was no manic swing to recognize. I had been severely depressed for months by that time, so it would have been understandable to discount the possibility of bipolarity.

And I did fairly well with the medication I was initially prescribed. But, there was still a problem. Mentally, I was much better. I was working hard to learn healthy coping mechanisms and healthier ways to deal with the stresses of daily life. Physically, though, I was still off kilter. I never felt completely great. I was still fairly depressed. Then, I went to see a new doctor. He was recommended by a friend and absolutely wonderful. On the first visit, he accurately diagnosed me as bipolar. And it made so much sense. Finally something made sense! I was giddy about it in the way that other people become giddy about things that should actually make them happy. But to me, being recognized as bipolar did make me happy. Now, I thought, I might actually feel even better. And I giggled like a schoolgirl when I went home and started calling people to tell them I was bipolar. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing every time one of them would say, “Lori! How could you have not known you are bipolar?!” Because these people thought I already knew…because to them it seemed so obvious. And I thought it was just the most hilarious thing ever.

It was then that I started the Lamactil. At the time, it was a fairly experimental prescription. Though it had already been in use, it was generally prescribed to treat seizure-related disorders. When I began taking it, doctors were just beginning to prescribe it for people with bipolar tendencies. And though my doctor gradually had to bring the dose up to a significantly high level, it worked extremely well for me. I loved it. I loved being on medication that worked and helped me feel so much better physically. Feeling better physically made everything so much easier. My thoughts were more clear…I didn’t feel as scattered, as overwhelmed. I wasn’t constantly battling the constant physical symptoms of underlying depression while trying to deal with everyday life. All of a sudden, I was just trying to deal with everyday life. And it was so much easier. What an amazing difference!

So, this time, when the doctor said he would re-prescribe the Lamactil, I was thrilled again. I had done so well on it before. As I have stated previously, the only reason I went off of it in the first place is because I became pregnant. Otherwise, I probably would have remained on it continuously. If there is something out there that is going to help me feel better, I am not one to turn up my nose at it. This time, though, the doctor also said I would need to take Lexapro as well. He explained that bipolar individuals should really be on two medications – one to treat the depressive symptoms and one to treat the mania. And that made sense to me. That is why I’ve already been on Lexapro for three weeks. And it seems to be working well, too.

Because I am financially unable to pay for my medication at this time, a very kind (and anonymous) person stepped up and said they would take responsibility. Measures are being taken to find other ways to quell the cost of the medication and make it more cost effective for me. But right now, I am exceedingly grateful for this individual’s extreme generosity and loving spirit.

That night, when we went home, I still did not feel well. I felt more fried and agitated. I still had the constant low buzz of energy coursing beneath my skin. I could not wait until time to go to bed. Because I did not feel well, Em and I slipped out of our bedtime routine that night. I’m not going to beat myself about it, though. I know this journey won’t be perfect. We just have to keep doing the best we can at the times we can and try to pick up and do better the next day after that.