New York City, 1996.
19 years old.
My mind would get so full it was almost blinding. My vision literally blurred. My thoughts raced and piled on top of one another until there wasn’t room for anything else. I could literally feel the pressure in my brain. It made me tired, but the aching energy in my [...]
When I was young, my thoughts tortured me. My mind was constantly racing. I could not sleep at night. I suffered extreme anxiety. The result was pages upon pages of mostly senseless thoughts written in notebooks I still keep. At one point, after I had been hospitalized in 2000, I pored through the notebooks and [...]
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Day 24 on Lexapro.
Day 1 on Lamactil.
written one day later.
The night before, I dreamt about spiders. When I walked outside this morning, these were on my patio wall.
When I woke this day, I felt very good. The night before, while on the phone with a good friend, the aching mania had gone [...]
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Day 23 on Lexapro.
written two days later.
“Reunited and it feels so good/Reunited ’cause we understood/There’s one perfect fit/And sugar, this one is it/We both are so excited/’Cause we’re reunited, hey, hey” — Peaches and Herb
This [...]
Chicago, Break of Autumn, 2000
23 years old.
I stood alone on the platform, waiting for the train. It would be so easy, I thought.
To jump. To just fall.
The desire to do so was overwhelming.
I’d probably never feel a thing. My body was so numb anyway.
But I knew nobody’d believe I fell.
Except the people who wouldn’t allow [...]
I don’t deserve all the help, I would think. My punishment for being this way should be to have to wiggle out of it on my own.
Lead me along
And I’ll let you
Following closely behind
In your white button shirt
And my blue circle skirt
With a cool spool of thread
To unwind
Oh, how our brains fight to ensure things make sense!
Do we not say our hearts break because sometimes we literally feel as though they are breaking? Do we not say we are crushed because sometimes we literally feel a crushing ache within us? Do we not say we are high because we are so elated, [...]
When I am sick, an emptiness creeps in that rattles my being to the core. It is an emptiness that doesn’t make sense and doesn’t have anything to do with how much I trust in God, or how confident I am, or how many supportive friends I have. Because I do, I am, and I [...]
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Day 22 on Lexapro.
Midnight
This morning I woke at 5am, the frenetic energy still coursing through my veins. I had expected a crash. Instead, my thoughts raced violently. I could almost feel the systems in my body working overtime. My physical being tingled in an electric way.
Please, please, let me go back [...]
