Sunday, October 12, 2008

Day 62 on Lexapro.

Day 40 on Lamictal.

posted a few days later.

“Oh there were others/ Some were friends/ Some were merely lovers.”

- Don Williams

I am a lover. I possess a soft heart. This is something I hate to admit, as it is a dangerous quality to be sure.

But it is true.

When I make friends, I love them wholeheartedly.

I make books for them. I answer the phone when they call at 3am. I try to make them laugh when they want to do just the opposite.

And I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends in return. I love them all. My heart swells with joy when I consider all of the amazing people in my life.

But it has not always been this way.

Throughout my life, I have been alternately hyper social and completely anti-social. Throughout my bipolar swing, I experienced many solitary periods that coincided with depressive episodes which were dutifully followed by periods in which I enjoyed socializing with everyone around me. The two sides were so different that they left me feeling confused and guilty. I couldn’t stand that sometimes I had to disappear from everyone. I hated myself for it. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be like everyone else.

The longest period of solitude was during the time spent with the man who would eventually become my husband. Because he was a paranoid schizophrenic and I was ashamed, I closed myself off from the outside world. A large part of it had to do with my fear of what he would do and say in front of people. I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of friends I had known so long. They would laugh at me and think what an idiot I was for choosing to be with someone who had such an extreme psychological disorder. Or they would tell me they cared about me and that I shouldn’t be with him.

And I thought that would have been the worst of all. Because I did want to be with him. As bad as it was, I wanted everything to get better so we could have a life together. I guess a large part of me knew this would never come to fruition, but I hung on for dear life. He loved me. I loved him. Why shouldn’t it work?

It was not until several years into our marriage that I started connecting with people again. Slowly. Hesitantly. Through online networking sites like MySpace. Every time I found someone, or someone found me, I cringed. Did they know what was going on? Did they know the nightmare I was living? Would they judge me? Hate me? I wasn’t the person I had wanted to be. My fear was that I was the person they knew I’d become.

I was so scared.

And I beat myself up and was nervous. But little by little, over the past few years, I have been blessed to see the friendships I had with these people have remained. In some cases, they have grown stronger. The love I have for them is clear again. I have let down the guard and am so happy to have everyone back in my life.

As a result, I decided to let these people I know, these people who have loved me unconditionally (perhaps even when they shouldn’t have), read my blog.

And though I was scared, it was a freeing feeling. I have received so much support and encouragement that it feels like a positive choice.

At this time, I’d like to thank everyone — those who have been in my life for forever and day — and those who are newer to the scene — for the love and encouragement you have offered me. My life is better because of you.