Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Day 99 on Lexapro.

Day 77 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This night I sat across the table from one of my very favorite friends.

In my mind, Jennifer has always been beautiful and extremely sophisticated. She is smart, funny, and cool in a way that I am not. I am always happy when I am with her.

What is more, I have also always thought that she was very adept when it came to men.

I have always thought she had handled relationships quite well.

In fact, I have often wished I could be more like her in that department.

Who could not want Jennifer? I have often thought.

She is amazing. A man would be a fool to not see that.

But this night, over too much delicious food, and too much delicious drink, and even more delicious dessert, Jennifer told me how she’d landed in the soup.

And that she was beating herself up over a man.

I could hear it in her voice.

I could see it in her eyes.

She was in pain.

And I was in shock.

“But you’re beautiful,” I told her.

She shook her head.

“And you’re smart!”

She knew that, didn’t she?

“I wish I was as sophisticated as you!”

And she laughed. She always laughs when I tell her she’s sophisticated.

“Jennifer,” I finally told her, “you are much too good for any of this.”

And then it hit me.

For the first time, it really hit me.

These were the same things people had been telling me for months.

Over and over again.

When I was so hurt and so messed up and thought that I was nothing good and everything bad.

These were the things everyone had told me.

And this night, when I looked at Jennifer, my wonderful friend, who could be so amazing and not even realize it, it made me think that maybe I was all of the wonderful things everyone had been telling me…and I just didn’t realize it, either.

And right then, everything else washed away.

Because I finally believed.