I got so tired of being dumb.

Of being the silly one.

The crazy one.

And eventually I fell apart.

The whole of myself was built on things that weren’t all true.

I wasn’t dumb.

I could be silly, but it wasn’t who I was.

And in admitting my imbalance, I wasn’t crazy anymore.

I believe, to some degree, we create our persona.

In a time when I felt so unnoticed, so unimportant, I clung to any label I was given. If anyone said anything about me, I took it and made it true.

Just because they had noticed something about me.

Being noticed, for whatever reason, was what I thought validated me.

I just wanted, in some way, to be important to someone.

And I wanted, in many ways, to be noticed by everyone.

I didn’t like who I was.

I didn’t know who I was.

And the pieces I picked up and stuck to my skin burned like glue and made no sense.

They weren’t me.

The me that cowered beneath these falsehoods was gaping and afraid and had never been dealt with.

Until now.

That is what now is about.

This is the time for embracing, and understanding, and letting go.

I believe that in letting go, new and better things will come my way.

So I try hard to understand.

I think on these things because I believe they’re important.

Sometimes, the words come easily and make sense.

Other times, I struggle to connect the dots.

I know what I mean, but sometimes it is too overwhelming or too confusing to completely tie it all together in one sitting. Or as the result of one event. Or one meeting.

I don’t want to be sick forever.

I don’t want to be scared forever.

And I don’t believe I have to be.

Sometimes people ask me why I think so much.

And the answer is complex.

First, I don’t believe I have much of a choice. I was born with a brain that winds constantly and spins in directions I can’t always control.

Medication helps.

And when I am medicated, the spinning slows to the point of gentle but still constant swaying that allows for creative output that the more unattractive racing thoughts do not.

Second, I believe it is important. Every day, I am given gifts. Every day I am shown new light. I do not look at the challenges as pains or permanent obstacles.

No.

I look at them as opportunities to learn. As opportunities to stop and ask myself, What can I do differently next time? Or, Why were you so scared? What will help you to overcome a future situation such as that?

All valid questions. All questions that will help me move forward in ways I am sure I could not have imagined.

As they already have.

No, nothing is perfect yet.

Nothing ever will be.

But I believe if I keep moving in a forward direction, things will always be better than once they were. Things can only improve.

Even when challenges arise, as I learn to grow, I know I will face these situations with more aplomb. With more perserverance. With more trust.

Because I know I’ve survived them before.

And because I know I’ll survive them again.

Of course, the final reason I think so much is because of Em. I know that, as she grows, it is my job to lead her wisely. I am not the perfect mother. I make mistakes all of the time. And I know that some are big and remarkably stupid. But I want to teach her better than I knew. I want to hold her in my arms and show her to deal with life intelligently, and compassionately, and bravely. I want her to be better than I was.

So much better than I was.

And I guess what I ask of you tonight, as I re-enter my life, is that you not worry about me. The things I write about and the fears I have are real. But they are not all bad. At this time, I believe they are portals to something better. I believe that acknowledging them and identifying them and stripping them are all essential to my growth.

Yes, sometimes I am still confused.

Other times I am not.

But for the first time, maybe ever, I am learning to like who I am.

And I think, for me, that is a very important step indeed.