In January of this year, I sat down to write this entry. Or at least I thought about writing this entry. But, because I did not want the permanence of what I am about to say to seep into my life forever, I held back.
Kept my mouth shut.
Did not write anything.
But things have not gotten [...]
There was one time I thought I might leave him.
It stands out more clearly than any other.
I remember sitting on our filthy stained and striped couch, crying. Telling him that I couldn’t be with him anymore. That it was over this time for good.
I couldn’t be with someone who acted the way he did. [...]
I knew he was trying.
At least it seemed like he was trying.
When I looked at him…and he didn’t know I was watching…I could see the pain in his eyes. I knew he wanted everything to be better.
I knew he wanted good things for us.
And that’s why it [...]
Oh my.
Let me clarify.
You see, I have this friend.
And I love her very much.
Very, very much.
And she loves me too.
But I think she is concerned.
Because of my recent writings.
So I’d like to explain.
Here is the way it really is.
Most of the time, I am not afraid of people. In fact, I consider myself to be [...]
Dear God, please help me remember to be patient and to stop and enjoy every second I have with my daughter. Please help me remember that she won’t be four forever. And that she won’t be able to curl up next to me with her head in the crook of my arm or scream delightedly [...]
I was always so sensitive.
That is what they said.
And the way I hurt, the way I felt so open and aching inside, I know it must have been true.
They constantly teased.
And called names.
And I would reel.
Why do you have to be so sensitive? they would ask.
And the thing is, they weren’t all wrong.
Not, at least, [...]
I got so tired of being dumb.
Of being the silly one.
The crazy one.
And eventually I fell apart.
The whole of myself was built on things that weren’t all true.
I wasn’t dumb.
I could be silly, but it wasn’t who I was.
And in admitting my imbalance, I wasn’t crazy anymore.
I believe, to some degree, we create our persona.
In [...]
Perhaps the social anxiety I still experience will begin to dissipate as I continue to learn more about who I am and how I function.
For so long I have replaced positive coping mechanisms with those born of fear and misunderstanding.
When I was initially diagnosed as major depressive at age 24, I began a long process [...]
This night I am alone.
In a room of 200 people.
197 of whom I know.
Give or take a few.
On the outside I am bright, smiling, and loud.
I walk through the crowd and hug and shake hands and laugh uproariously.
Almost everyone has something personal to say.
I read your blog.
I’m so glad you’re back in choir.
Your [...]
And then there are the times when someone kisses you…and you let them… only because…for a moment…it feels good to have someone else’s lips touching your own.
And these are very different times altogether.
And nowhere near as good as the ones that come from those who you choose to thank.
