Sunday November 23, 2008

Day 96 on Lexapro.

Day 74 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, I finished my final two sessions and began the long drive back home.

As I drove along, I began to think about the times I’ve had to make things work with what I’ve been given.

While thinking on this, my mind drifted to a time when I was very small and my family went tubing on a large river. My dad had both my younger brother and myself on his lap and we went down a sort of natural slide built into the land at the side of the river. When we landed at the bottom, we hit the water hard and everyone flew off of the tube.

I was underwater and did not know how to swim.

My brother was sinking, as he did not know how to swim either.

In a flash, my dad hurried under the water and started grabbing madly for my brother. He could not see anything.

I had no idea that any of this was going on.

I was too focused.

With my head above water, I kicked my arms and legs and propelled myself, determined to cross the entire width of the river.

“I’m swimming,” I remember thinking to myself.

And I was. Enough to get me across, at least.

I kept moving until I had almost reached the other side. Then a man jumped into the water.

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“No,” was my reply.

I swam around him and reached the shore on my own.

I could not have been more than five.

I know the adrenaline had kicked in and carried me through.

Just like it does now, when I think I could drown at any moment.

Because now, just like then, I start kicking my arms and legs, even when I think I don’t know how.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Day 95 on Lexapro.

Day 72 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, in North Texas, I had four photo sessions lined up.

I had never had that many in one day, and it was thrilling.

I enjoyed them all.

I photographed families, children, and graduates.

It gave me a sense of confidence and elation.

And it also wore me out.

At the end of this day, I went to bed.

Very early.

Friday November 21, 2008

Day 94 on Lexapro. <oops>

Day 74 on Lamictal. <oops>

posted much, much later…

This day, I retrieved Em early from school.

At the time I arrived, she was having a snack with her class.

“Come on, Em,” I told her. “Today we are going to North Texas.”

And with that, she carefully folded her snack into a napkin.

“I am taking these with me,” she told her friends.

And then we left.

It was to be a busy weekend. I had six photo shoots lined up over the next two days.

I was excited and nervous.

Em was just excited.

It was not until we were over halfway there before I realized I had forgotten my medication.

Again.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Day 93 on Lexapro.

Day 71 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, E. Liz sat at my dining room table as I rushed about, trying to get the kitchen in order.

“You know, Lori,” she said matter-of-factly. “You can’t give 100% to everything. The math just doesn’t add up.”

And we laughed.

But I knew she was right.

I can’t give 100% to everything.

Nobody can.

But I know there is a certain amount I must give to each aspect of my life.

Right now, I’m just trying to figure out exactly what each amount is going to be.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Day 92 on Lexapro.

Day 70 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

Lately my mind is swimming with new ideas and goals. Everything I do during this time is an attempt to streamline my life.

I am organizing. I am cleaning. I am redesigning everything.

And it is all coming along.

There are times when I get tired and look at the mess around me and think that it will never all get done. That I will never get caught up.

And then there are the times when it all seems so simple that I take it a little bit further and add touches that I probably don’t have the time or energy for.

Sometimes I am still so tired.

Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of it all and sleep.

But I have faith it will get done.

Right now it seems like the possibilities are endless.

And I don’t want to miss a thing.

Day 91 on Lexapro.

Day 69 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

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Is it such a terrible thing to have a crush based on good looks and a memory?

I wonder.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Day 90 on Lexapro.

Day 68 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, Em threw a fit.

Then I threw a fit.

Then Em threw a fit.

Then I threw a fit.

Then Em went to bed.

And when she was finally asleep, I snuck in and kissed her on her forehead five or six or a hundred times.

And I hoped we were done with the fits.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Day 89 on Lexapro.

Day 67 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, because my internet is still out, we made a trip to E. Liz’s house to use her computer. I was anxious about printing out my grocery list for the week.

And because I hadn’t done any of the preparatory work on Saturday, a large portion of this day was devoted to making the most of the Grocery Game.

First, I bought a newspaper. Then I clipped coupons.

I pored over my list again and again until I was sure I was going to get everything I wanted.

And nothing I didn’t.

Then we went shopping.

And for the second week in a row, I saved $58 on my groceries.

And I was thrilled.

When we came home, I worked to organize my kitchen even more.

As my stockpile grows and my organization increases, things become simpler.

Meals become easier to plan and prepare. As a result, money gets saved.

Cleaning up also becomes a simpler task. As a result, time gets saved.

Slowly but surely, things are coming together.

One thing at a time. Kitchen first. Then I will move to other rooms.

As my daily chores and responsibilities become streamlined, I am left with the time and energy to devote to the things I really care about.

Like Em. And my business. And having fun, too.

I really have come a long way in a short amount of time.

And this night, I am so relieved.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Day 87 on Lexapro.

Day 65 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

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This morning when we woke up, Em still seemed miserable.

I planned to take her to my mom’s and told her so.

“No,” she replied adamantly. “I want to go to the game! Is it time for the game?!”

And all of a sudden she seemed better.

So, I took her to the game.

While I photographed, she sat in the stands with our friends under a mountain of warm blankets.

Despite the awful night she had experienced, she had a lot of fun.

And she was very happy to see her friend’s team win the championship trophy.

Later this afternoon, we also attended the awards banquet for the team.

Again, I photographed while Em ate lunch with her friend and his teammates.

It was a wonderful way to spend our day.

But, I was excited to get home, too.

This day, Jennifer Black was coming to visit.

So, when we were through eating and photographing, we rushed back to our apartment.

It was not long before Jennifer joined us.

She was happy to see Em, as she had not seen her since she was a baby.

Unfortunately, our time with her was short as she had promised to attend a Kenny G concert with her mother that evening.

We were all sad that she had to go, and promised that we would get together again soon.

When she left, Em and I still needed to find something for dinner.

So, I called Amy.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Looking through the yellow pages trying to find somewhere to eat!” She replied.

“Fantastic,” I told her. “Let’s all eat together!”

And so, after a bit of searching, we ended up at a fabulous sushi restaurant.

And it was wonderful.

What an unexpected treat to end an already amazing day.

As I sat there with Amy and Em, enjoying varieties of sushi I had never tried before, I thought about how overly fortunate I am to have such wonderful friends.

Who have such glorious taste in food.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Day 87 on Lexapro.

Day 65 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day, Em and I both felt better. I went to work and she went to school and I was overly thrilled it was the weekend. We had fun plans in store.

This night, we had been invited to have dinner with E. Liz. She was preparing some jambalaya and hoped we’d stay to play Rock Band as well. We were hoping we could, too.

Initially, I thought Em would spend the night with my mom (as I had a job the next day), but when she was invited along, I decided she should stay with me instead. I was going to photograph one of her best friend’s peewee football games and there would be friends in the stands who would be there with her to cheer him on.

When I called my mom to tell her Em would be staying with me, she lamented about all of the spaghetti she had cooked that was waiting for us.

Well, it wasn’t the first time I’d accepted two dinner invitations, so I told her we’d drop by and eat with them, too. I thought this was a good plan, particularly since I was sure Em wouldn’t be keen on the jambalaya. (For some reason, she isn’t a fan of rice.)

So, we went to my mom’s and ate and then drove ourselves over to visit E. Liz, who was unphased by our spaghetti eating, since the jambalaya had taken a while to heat up anyway.

When we got there, though, Em started to say she did not feel well. Then, she began to scream in pain. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she said her ear hurt. So, we had to go hme.

On the way, I stopped at the drugstore and purchased some medication. Upon arriving home, I promised to take very good care of her. When we got inside, I gave her some medicine and dressed her in her pajamas and rocked her. I told her she could sleep with me so I could keep an eye on her throughout the night.

I don’t think she ever stopped screaming during this time.

Then, she fell asleep. I think the medication had knocked her out.

Throughout the night, she awoke several times, screaming desperately each time.

“Mommie, please help me! Mommie!”

It broke my heart.

I realized the only thing that soothed her was rocking her and singing to her softly.

It was so sweet, it soothed me, too.

It reminded of the times I had rocked her when she was still a tiny baby. Night after night I had risen to nurse her and sang along with James Taylor to lull her back to sleep.

This night, I sang by myself.

Goodnight, you moonlight ladies; Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. Deep greens and blues Are the colors I choose. Won’t you let me go down In my dreams And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.

Over and over again.