Monday, November 3, 2008

Day 77 on Lexapro.

Day 55 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This morning, when Em and I got up at 5:30am (because we are used to getting up at 6:30am), she had some yogurt and asked if she could draw some pictures. I agreed and brought out the crayon drawer and a few sheets of cardstock.

She delightedly set to work.

“This one is for Grandma Pat,” she said, pointing to a lovely mangle of colored loops.

“It’s very pretty. I think she’ll like it very much.”

“Put her name on it so we know it’s hers,” she directed.

So I did.

A few minutes later, she completed another drawing.

“This one is for Uncle Terry,” she said as she watched me carefully write his name at the top.

“Okay, now we will remember that one is his.”

“Good. Now I will make one for Kim.”

“Oh, she will really like that,” I assured her.

When she finished Kim’s drawing, she made three more: one for Janell, one for Anita, and one for Jennifer Black.

“And now I will make one for Uncle Reg,” she announced enthusiastically.

“Oh. Em. Remember…Uncle Reg passed away. He’s not here anymore. He is up with Jesus now.”

“But I am going to make a picture for him.”

“Okay.”

After several minutes of coloring quietly, she broke the silence.

“Do you miss Uncle Reg?” She asked, never looking up from her work.

“I do,” I told her. “He was a very good person.”

“Yes. I miss Sam, too.”

Sam was my parent’s dog who had been hit by a car the same week Reg had passed away.

“You know, Sam, the dog,” she went on. “He went bye bye too. He’s up in heaven now. You know. Heaven. With Jesus, too.”

“Yes, he is, too.”

This morning, as she sat coloring, I wondered if she understood even a little bit about having to say goodbye forever…and how people sometimes pass away and other times they don’t go anywhere but we have to pretend like they never existed.

Just to make it through the day.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Day 82 on Lexapro.

Day 60  on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This day marked the third and final day of my birthday extravaganza. And it was amazing.

The festivities started off with lunch at a local restaurant, Gringo’s.

I love Mexican food and despite its somewhat lacking menu (no chile rellenos!), Gringo’s tops my list as one of my favorite places to eat.

This day, many of my friends showed up to enjoy lunch with me as well. It was wonderful.

Em and I were thrilled that some of our little friends came along, too.

I spent most of the lunch rotating kids on my lap, including Em’s boyfriend (also four) and one of my very favorite babies.

It was a delightful time indeed.

One of the highlights of the lunch occurred when a group of people at one of our tables spontaneously burst into a very choral rendition of Happy Birthday.

Of course, everyone else (mostly choir and theater people) joined in.

I was beside myself.

After thanking everyone, I turned around to see a stunned look on my friend Jeff’s face.

“That was amazing,” he said.

He was not used to Happy Birthday having such a pleasing tone.

“Well, I made them audition before I sent the evite,” I responded.

And we laughed.

************************************************

After lunch, E. Liz and Em and I headed with another of my favorite friends, Candy, to get our nails done.

I had never had a manicure and pedicure and decided this would be a fun day to do it.

And Candy, along with her fabulous daughters, gave me a gift certificate so I could do that very thing.

So we did.

This day, we relaxed as we enjoyed our own manicures and pedicures.

Even Em got her nails painted.

And I finally got to wear the color I’d been dying to try: I’m Not Really a Waitress by OPI. It was thrilling and as much fun as its name hinted.

I was so happy to have finally gotten to experience the fun of salon treatment and knew I’d be back for more. Soon.

******************************************************

After we finished at the salon, E. Liz and Em and I headed back to my apartment where we were later joined by Elayne and Amy.

For the rest of the evening, we lazed around playing Rock Band and laughing.

It was an amazing time.

Last year, everyone had gone out of town on my birthday.

This year, it was so much better.

So much better indeed.

**Thank you to everyone who joined me over the course of these three days. I could not ask for better friends and am extremely grateful for each and every one of you.

Sometimes
people are
like those
25 cent
gumballs

I become
so
thrilled
by them
in the
first few
seconds
that I
barely
notice
when
they
get hard
and lose
their
flavor

Yet I
keep
chewing
because
I am
not
ready
for the
excitement
to end

And
eventually
my jaw
hurts
and
the
sugar
makes
me
sick
and I
inevitably
wonder
why I
ever
started
chewing
in the
first
place

So, I
pop
another
one

And
the
outcome
doesn’t
change

Day 80 on Lexapro.

Day 58  on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

It’s boots and chaps
It’s cowboy hats
It’s spurs and latigo
It’s the ropes and the reins
And the joy and the pain
And they call the thing rodeo.

– Garth Brooks, Rodeo

This day was truly amazing.

It was my 32nd birthday and, because the rest of my year had been a bit rocky, I decided to plan some sort of extravaganza to celebrate.

And so I did.

Initially I thought the extravaganza should be limited to one day – Saturday – as having a longer celebration might have seemed a bit too much.

But when one of my favorite friends, Jennifer, suggested riding a mechanical bull on my big day, I knew I could not say no. Riding a mechanical bull had always been one of my dreams.

“I am determined to live out my Debra Winger fantasies,” I told my friends.

And I was absolutely thrilled.

So this night, after work, I took Em to spend the night with my mom.

Then Amy and E. Liz met up with me at my house. After an eventful trip to Casa Ole, we headed to Midtown to meet up with my old friend Alfonso, who just happened to bartend at an establishment with a mechanical bull (only on Thursdays.)

When we got there, we were the first to arrive. I knew that Jennifer was planning to come and that Alfonso would definitely be there and Amy and E. Liz were already with me…so I was already thrilled that some of my favorite people would be helping me celebrating.

In my head, though, I didn’t know what to expect. When I initiate an activity, I always want my friends to have fun. I want them to mingle well. I want them to be happy.

But this night, we were all convinced we would have to go home early. We were all old. We were all tired. We all had to work the next day.

And that was okay with me. I was happy to spend time with my friends even for a little while.

***************************************************

Amy and E. Liz and I were the first to arrive at Whiskey Creek. We hung out by the front door, waiting for Jennifer and Alfonso to arrive. I was already so excited.

And then I saw Dustin walk in.

I could not believe it.

My heart leapt!

Dustin is a wonderful friend from what I refer to as my college days (though I was rarely in class.) I had not seen him in forever and certainly was not expecting him to show up on this night.

I was thrilled to see him.

This was the first great surprise.

And then Jennifer walked in. I was so happy to see her. I love her so much. I had not seen her since Em was such a little baby, though I had considered her my best friend so many years ago.

And behind her, I could see another old friend, Brad. Brad had also been an awesome friend in college. He introduced me to his girlfriend, Karen, who tackled me with a delightful hug. They were on their way back to L.A., they told me, but had stayed in Houston an extra night for my birthday. I was amazed.

I knew then that it was going to be a wonderful night.

Everyone was already starting to have fun. Everyone was mingling well. Amy and E. Liz fit in well with my college friends, which delighted me.

I was relieved and relaxed.

“Where is Alfonso?” Jennifer asked me.

“He’s supposed to be here at 9:30,” I told her. “I already asked the guy behind the bar.”

And with that, Alfonso walked in the door.

“Lori King!” He said. “When are we going to watch Jeopardy! again?!”

“I don’t know,” I told him. “But I miss it!”

There was a time when Alfonso would stop by almost every day to watch Jeopardy with me. Other times, when I was not at home, I would come back to the Chateaux (our fabulous apartment) to find him taking a nap on our couch. Those were wonderful times indeed.

Upon Alfonso’s arrival, and the appearance of my new friend Jeff, the fun really began. I could not have asked for a more energetic, hilarious, fun, and pleasant group of friends to celebrate with me on my birthday night.

And somehow, at around 2am, we were all still there.

And even though we’d been here much longer than expected, I still wished it wasn’t really time to go. There were too many good people in one place. And too much fun. And too many laughs.

As I sat on a barrel on the patio of the bar with Alfonso and Amy and E. Liz, my heart was happy.

So this is how it feels to be alive again, I thought.

An amazing feeling to be sure.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 77 on Lexapro.

Day 55 on Lamictal.

posted much, much later…

This night, Em and I were invited to E. Liz’s house for dinner. While there, she fed us a delicious meal of pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. I had never had pork tenderloin before, but I enjoyed it very much. I might need to add it to my repertoire as even Em liked it and she is generally not a big fan of meats.

After dinner we gathered around the television and played Rock Band.

It is so good to have friends again.

As we rode home in the car, she was curious to know what I had done.

“Did you take pictures of someone getting married?” She asked, seemingly in awe of the idea.

“I did. I took lots and lots of pictures.”

“But I wanted to come.”

“I know, but you couldn’t come this time.”

“Why? Were there no kids there?”

“Not really. Just your friend and he was the ringbearer, so he had to be there. But not many other kids.”

“Will you let me look at the pictures?”

“Of course! You can look at the pictures and see what it was like.”

“Okay.”

Though she seemed appeased, I added something else to think about.

“You know, when I get married again, you will definitely be there with me, okay?”

“When you get married I can be there?”

“Of course! You are my little girl!”

“Who will you marry?”

“I don’t know. There is nobody I want to marry right now. But one day, someone may come along and we might get married.”

“I know someone who you can marry.”

“Who is that?”

“My daddy. You can marry him! Is that a good idea?”

“Well, I don’t think that’s really a good idea because I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s sick.”

“Why is he sick?”

Why is he sick?

Why is he sick?

I didn’t know what to say.

How do you ask a four year old to wrap her mind around paranoid schizophrenia when your 32-year old mind can’t make sense of it either?

You can’t.

You don’t.

“He just is.”

“Well I have an idea. Maybe we can bring him to our house and give him some medicine to make him better.”

“I think he does take his medicine already. Em…do you remember when he lived with us and we were yelling all the time?”

“Oh yes, I remember that.”

“Well that wasn’t good.”

“Do you remember when I was a baby and we lived at our old house and you and Daddy were yelling in the kitchen?”

“Yes, I do remember that.”

“Yeah. I remember that too.”

“Well, I think that’s why we can’t all live together now. And we cant get married again. To each other. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand.”

***************************************************

That night, after I dressed her for bed, Em and I sat on the floor together and hugged each other for a very long time.